MHS Article 1 - How to sexify your self-talk in 3 easy steps.

Image 1 - It's about to get sexy in here. But first, time to focus

Self-talk

What is self-talk? Why is self-talk?

Isn't it enough that the self already talks to us?!

Do we really need to also talk to the self?

This article explores these questions and provides a perspective on:

• why self-talk is important

• how to engage in active, positive self-talk, and

• the value good self-talk can bring to our relationships, work, and our everyday lives.

Okay so let's start with the boring bits - the definitions.

The boring bits

Self-talk is defined as:

"... the way you talk to yourself, or your inner voice... This inner voice combines conscious thoughts with inbuilt beliefs and biases to create an internal monologue throughout the day."

Basically, it's the dialogue we have with ourselves, and more importantly, the things we tell ourselves ABOUT ourselves. And as with everything mental health, there is a positive and negative way to do it.

The problem is, our brains are wired for confirmation and efficiency.

So, let's take anxiety as an example.

If we think we are too anxious (or any other self-limiting belief), our brains will look for evidence to confirm/reinforce that idea, whilst ignoring/invalidating evidence to the contrary.

In this way, our brains are wired to limit the amount of change (even if there are good reasons to change), to improve decision making efficiency.

Then, as those efficienct ideas get repeated and eventually internalised, they form part of our inbuilt beliefs, and become part of our self-talk - now you're walking around looking for reasons to call yourself anxious... efficient!

Also, because self-talk happens throughout our incredibly busy days, much of our self-talk goes unnoticed.

That is, it never becomes fully conscious, let alone contextualised or challenged, so we form unhealthy AND unconscious thought patterns, and ultimately bring ourselves down.

Image 2 - Anxiety big balls

My personal journey

For me, these unconscious thought patterns spiralled into a negative self-talk canyon.

A few years ago, I was having a really challenging time in my life. A long-term relationship had ended, I was unhappy with my job, I was working too hard and not looking after myself, and it was the beginning of a global pandemic - basically the perfect shitstorm for a bad time.

And the only thing running through my head at the time was my negative self-talk (aka my inner-critic, aka fear-monger-central). Basically, my self-talk was blasting me over and over again with the worst possible things I thought (and eventually believed) about myself.

"You are not enough" was the main one.

And I understand why. It was because I wasn't dealing with my issues.

Instead of paying attention to my thoughts - observing them, following them, identifying patterns, understanding triggers and performing self-healing - I just let them run around in my mind and tried to ignore them.

I would distract myself, work overtime, alter my state-of-consciousness (hello Chookies), and even sometimes literally shake the thoughts out of my head.

Image 3 - Shaking things up

Eventually, I got sick.

At that point, I realised my self-talk had become a massive fire-breathing c*ntbasket.

And worse, I wasn't doing anything to stop it.

It was time for a change. So I decided to do a few things:

1. Quit my job

2. Start talking to a psychologist

3. Vipassana

4. Get healthy

5. Read as much self-help as possible

6. Start talking to my self

All these things helped, and I may write an article about each of them at some point, but the one thing I still do most to this day is talking to my self. And there's a reason why.

How to (properly) talk to your self in 3 easy steps

Here we go, the sexy part.

Get this right, and you'll use those same confirmation and efficiency biases against yourself. Fuck yeah.

Step 1 - Practice talking out loud to yourself AND practice letting your thoughts run free. Whatever is on your mind, just say it out loud. It will heal you.

• This is easiest to practice alone - I like to do it while walking, but driving is also good

• Explain what you are thinking - fully and without judgement

• When feelings come up, explain those too

• What are you feeling? Where are you feeling it? Why are you feeling it?

This will do 3 great things:

1. Strengthen your ability to focus your awareness

2. Get the thoughts of your head, and reduce their emotional impact

3. Make you more aware of your mind, body, and their connection

Step 2 - Treat yourself and your self-talk as 2 seperate people AND practice listening.

• Refer to your self-talk in the 3rd person - "What's going on today, Ned?"

• From step 1 - let your self-talk answer with everything that comes to mind. Out loud.

• Listen to everything before you respond - don't interrupt your self-talk

• Practice active listening with your self-talk - he just wants to be heard like everybody else

This will do 3 more great things:

1. Help you listen to your own wants and needs more attentively

2. Teach you to accept those thoughts and feelings, without letting them overwhelm or control you

3. Teach you how to active listen to others - your relationships will thank you for it

Step 3 - Third, reprogram your self-talk - now you're in a dialogue, be friends and help each other out

• Help your self-talk unpack where those inbuilt beliefs and biases come from, and why they're hanging around - understanding goes a long way to healing

• Help your self-talk identify thought and emotional patterns, and categorise them as empowering or self-limiting

• Figure out which of those patterns you want to keep, and which of those you can replace with ...

• Practice positive self-talk patterns - tell your self-talk it's beautiful, it's sexy, it's the prettiest girl in all the land. Self-affirmations are important

• Practice mindfulness - this will improve the whole process

Finally, this will do 3 more sexy ass things:

1. Help you understand yourself better

2. Help you shed biases and beliefs that aren't serving you - it's 2022 god damn it, only time for positivity in this bitch

3. Teach you to accept, and love yourself more - is there anything else worth achieving?

Conclusion

Self-talk is an important psychological tool that runs in the back of our minds all day long.

But if we let it run amock, it will carry self-limiting biases and beliefs that weigh us down throughout our day, and ultimately make us grumpy, anxious and unconcious bastards.

So, to rectify that, talk to your self-talk. Have a conversation, catch up for coffees, and send each other memes. Because ultimately, your relationship with yourself is the most important. Second only to your relationship with your self-talk.

"Your beliefs become your thoughts,

Your thoughts become your words,

Your words become your actions,

Your actions become your habits,

Your habits become your values,

Your values become your destiny."

Mahatma Gandhi

Where do you practice your self-talk?